R U OK

Remember in the last post I said I would write about "loosing it"? I was referring then to blowing ones cork in the line of parental duty. However, as it is R U OK Day in Australia,  I have decided to write briefly on a different loosing it instead. And one that is still OK to do.

A quick bit of background information is necessary here.
First: in the words of Eve Ensler "I am an emotional creature".
Second: three months ago I discovered I was pregnant. It explained a few things: like why I hadn't had a period, (don't look at me like that: I commonly didn't since having two kids) and my reactions to certain situations which had felt extreme to say the least.

I was stunned: why hadn't I noticed? Is this what we wanted? This was my third pregnancy, how would I cope...... I would have three kids under 5... How would we all cope?  And then the first trimester tireds kicked in, followed by mild nausea, then anger, followed by listlessness, followed by joylessness, followed by fear; nightmares and a deepening deadening numbness.

Meanwhile, my brain had upped and left me floundering. I couldn't remember; couldn't think straight, the shopping was a struggle...everything was a struggle. I couldn't write or draw or even begin to do the Saturday Sudoku.  Everyday was a fight and the fighting spirit in me was dissolving.

That is when the tears began: long, long hours of unstoppable tears...................... Yup, that's how it was folks. So, in a moment of desperation I looked up the signs of anti-natal depression and found I was exhibiting 10 out of 12 symptoms....that was confronting. (I found the information at PANDA though I was stunned by how little information there was on depression during pregnancy). I booked a doctors appointment: I didn't want to be like this anymore and certainly not when my baby was born.

The doctors wasn't great, she prescribed me anti-depressants. I am not against medication, but it wasn't the path I wanted to take, especially without the guidance and support of professional help and a detailed explanation of the effects to my unborn child. I went home: numb and foggy and I did as many of us would in this situation -I rang my MUM.

During the day my Mum had elicited some great advice from a colleague which was basically that three pregnancies and two year long stints of breastfeeding is tough on a body. And with baby getting first dibs on your body's goodies, (think fatty acids and vit d etc etc) she recommended a naturopath. I went, I got loaded up with vitamins and I almost immediately felt better. There was either some ripper placebo magic at work or truth to the advice my mum had got. I still get moody and I still, (if i get tired) have some pretty full on mood drops: but everyday I get better.

It is why I started writing this blog: some days you don't want to hear how fabulous someone's life is and how happy they are, (other days you do). I wanted a place that had a different tone. One that acknowledged the difficulty, loneliness and the sometimes isolation. One that never used the word fabulous and one that said it was OK to not be perfect, together and happy all the time even if only to convince myself.

So in the spirit of R U OK Day I am breaking the film of silence that so often covers these experiences: I reiterate- it is OK to loose it. But do seek help if you do, if you can. And don't flog yourself. You do that and I'll continue to learn the importance of vulnerability and surrender; as well as drinking lots of water and listening to the Beatles: because that seems to help.

So, does dancing and yelling at the radio news..